There are times when I’m not sure who, if anyone, is reading this blog. I started it four and a half years ago thinking it would be a place with joyful, authentic advice for Plus Sized people about fashion and fun. At times, it has been exactly that… but we all know that life isn’t always joyful… sometimes we struggle and it sucks!
A while back, I received a message from someone who reads the blog, asking for help with the struggle of living in a bigger body. I absolutely did NOT ignore it, and I took it to heart. I just didn’t feel like I had adequate advice to answer her. I saved the note with the hope that I could come back to it at some point and have a brilliant reply.
“I’m 49 years old and quite plus sized… I am struggling with being a middle aged fat lady with many health problems both mental and physical. I want to love and accept my body, but I have so much guilt and shame that my health issues are caused by my weight which is the highest it’s ever been. Doctors are definitely not helpful, because they like to blame all health issues on weight. Also I find that aging as a fat woman is particularly challenging. It adds to the stigma for sure. People judge you even more because you should “know better” than to be fat. I wonder how do I love and embrace my body while having health problems? How do I care for my body without succumbing to toxic diet culture?“
Hey M… I still don’t have a brilliant reply for you. All I can tell you is that I see you and you are absolutely NOT alone. In fact, I am treading the same waters as you are, and some days I feel like I am drowning in them. I know I can’t offer you the answers you are seeking… but I can let you know what I do for myself. It’s not perfect, but maybe something will provide a bit of light on a dark day.
I am very soon to be 46 and weigh well over 300 pounds. I too am the biggest I have ever been. I suffer from anxiety and depression and do seek professional care. I don’t have serious physical health issues; however the beginnings of menopause have been hitting me like a train! For the past year, I have been struggling with the changes that aging is bringing to my body and mind. My periods are unpredictable, extremely heavy, and painful. My weight is shifting and sliding to weird places making all my clothes fit differently. I’m more irritable and melancholy than ever before. I feel horribly lonely, but I don’t have the mental space or energy to go out and interact with anyone. I just feel large and gross… invisible, but horribly conspicuous all at the same time.
To make matters more complicated, I am a teacher. Teaching truly is harder than it has ever been right now. The world has changed students so much in the last few years. Teachers are asked to be mental health professionals and magicians… it’s absolutely impossible. And kids these days are MEAN. Every day… I mean, EVERY day… I am made to feel shame about my body in different ways. From the way I maneuver through my classroom space, to the clothes that I wear, to my mere existence as a fat person, students seem to have a way to comment about it.
And you’re right… doctors are the WORST. I try to avoid going at all costs. I try not to go unless I am so sick I can’t function anymore without a prescription. (I don’t need to be told how every ailment I have from a sinus infection to strep throat is my fault because I’m fat.) I was in the habit of going once a year for a wellness visit because I have a few medications that I need access to, and cannot have without that visit. In January, I had such a traumatic experience at that appointment I do not want to go to a doctor EVER again… but I need my meds, so what do I do?
I am so glad that the world is making progress with being inclusive of all types of people and creating space for others to simply exist. But it does feel, at times, that being fat is the absolute last thing in the world that it is unacceptable to be.
So what do I do to not fall into a puddle of shame every single day? Well, some days I DO fall into that puddle. I come home, sit on the couch, and cry. It is ok to have bad body days… or bad body weeks. The important thing is not to stay there.
Find one part of your body that you are proud of. You might have to really stare at yourself for a while to figure it out. I promise you, there is at least one thing on your body that is strikingly beautiful. Then, play that part up… accentuate it… make the world notice!
Dress in a way that makes you feel happy. It does not matter if the people around you don’t like it. If it brings you joy, wear it. I spent way too much time trying to fit in and look like everyone else. Once I realized that would never happen, I decided to dress for ME, and it was liberating.
Take care of your mental health. Honestly, mental health care is more important than physical health care. You can’t survive without being kind to your mind. Take your meds, see your therapist, and journal all the bad stuff out of existence.
Consume media that is affirming and advocates for people of size. Let the books you read, podcasts you listen to, and the social media you follow help you find a community. I adore the work of Aubrey Gordon (Maintenance Phase, You Need To Lose Weight and 19 Other Myths About Fat People) and Virginia Sole-Smith (Burnt Toast, Fat Talk).
Refuse to be part of diet talk. Politely step out of conversations that involve weight loss. Learn to say “That’s great for you, but I’m fine, thanks.” Hide people from your social feed who constantly talk about their “weight loss journey.” I had to cut ties with a lot of former students and colleagues who want me to try their latest “health” MLM.
Realize that the shame and bias that people throw on you is THEIR problem. It will take a lot to help the people around you unlearn how the things that they say sting like mosquito bites. But, the only way they can learn to stop being hateful is if you make them hear you.
Most importantly, try to remind yourself that you are incredible and deserving of love and respect as you exist RIGHT NOW. Be thankful for the things that your mind and body CAN do… like literally, thank your body. Write it a love letter if you have to. Know that you are NOT alone… there are many of us out here who all want the same thing.
I’m not perfect at this whole fat positive, body autonomy thing… but I am trying. M, if you’re still out there, reading my blog, I hope this helps a little. You are worthy and wonderful.
Forty Fat and Fabulous 