I’m Still Here

Honestly, I’m struggling with what to write here. I haven’t posted anything in a while… and I feel like I should. I really don’t know how many people were truly reading, and were actually interested in what I had to say anyway. Yeah… stats and stuff… but we all know that’s not real. I am struggling with whether writing a blog is still worth it… or was ever worth it at all. Maybe after all this clears, there will be even less need for someone’s opinion on how to dress, or where to eat, or what to do with yourself. I really don’t feel very inspiring anyway.

The truth is, I am struggling. I’m struggling to sleep. Struggling to move. Struggling to smile. Struggling to breathe. Struggling to just keep my head above water.

I am doing what I can to stay positive. I am writing letters to people I love. I am supporting local businesses that I want to see survive. I am walking every day, journaling, reading. I am praying. I am trying to stay positive and hoping to shield myself from all the fear mongering that seems to be all around us.

But it’s not helping.

The world has grown more frightening. Yes, people are trying to share positive news and photographs. Yes, people are volunteering in every way they can. But, we have lost one of the most important things in the world to me… human connection. No one ever smiles. When I encounter someone on the street, they look down and cross to the other side of the road. Going to the grocery store is a solitary exercise in frustration behind a mask. We are being taught to fear the people we love. There are no gentle squeezes on the shoulder… no simple smiles… no good morning greetings… no warmth and safety of being surrounded by friends.

I know they say that this is helping people. But, it is definitely taking its toll too. Business dreams are dying. Laughter is fading. Bank accounts are shrinking. Classrooms are quiet. Celebrations have been cancelled. Even memorials and funerals are gone. Magic has lost its sparkle. How can we continue to live like this?!

People will tell you that, “We’re all in this together.” “Look for the positive.” “You are saving lives.”

But let me tell you… if you can’t say those things, you are NOT alone. And that is ok. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to be mad as hell. It’s ok to be sad, frustrated, bored, sick. It’s ok to not know whether you want to laugh or scream… or both. It is ok to NOT be ok. I’m not ok.

But, I’m still here. You’re still here.