2020 has been a complete shit show of a year so far! It started with my husband being laid off the first week of February. A week later I lost a good friend, whose death changed our school forever. We are now in mid-March, and though he has had a zillion interviews, my husband STILL hasn’t found a job! Since the year began, I have felt like I am living in some weird state of limbo, wondering what’s next? I am so stressed I am losing hair from my head… like I have actual bald patches… my skin is always itchy, and I often forget to breathe! I feel completely alone… I can’t really talk to anyone about it. People just want to advise me on how to stop. I can’t even afford to keep seeing my counselor. How can I possibly keep living like this? Well, look out world… the Limbo Land got a WHOLE LOT CRAZIER! (Only you’re all in the boat with me now!)
It seems like the world has collectively LOST ITS MIND! Like, I really think I am living in an apocalyptic sci-fi movie. For the past week I have received an obnoxious number of emails from every store, restaurant, and business I have ever supported, explaining how they are working to keep me safe. Every form of entertainment outside my home has stopped existing. The preppers have hit the store so hard that I can’t even buy a NORMAL amount of toilet paper… and I have two rolls in my house right now. Every plan and every hope I had for this year has just come to a screeching halt like someone hit the pause button and refuses to give back the remote. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?!?!
(Funny though, while the rest of the country has cancelled school and shut down restaurants, we here in the Show Me State are acting like… “meh!” Go to school tomorrow kids!)
I have always been a person who worries. Anxiety should be my middle name. People have been telling me my whole life not to worry… don’t dwell on the what ifs. Well, what am I supposed to do when the collective world is THRIVING on what ifs right now?!?! I am not even afraid of getting sick. I am just afraid of everything else that goes with it. A sinking economy in which my husband will NEVER find a job. The permanent closure of businesses and places I love. How far will social distancing push us into a world where we are ALONE? Spending an indefinite amount of time sinking… moving further into isolation. The world can’t just STOP… can it?
People keep telling me to have faith instead of fear. But isn’t it possible to have faith AND fear?! I don’t think they are mutually exclusive. Plenty of our heroes of the faith worried and were afraid. They prayed and trusted that God would care for them… but that didn’t mean they immediately felt better. What do I do with that?
The truth is… I’m not doing ok. I am unraveling at the seams. I know it’s ok to not be ok. I just don’t know how to not be ok when no one else is ok either.