I honestly thought that by the time I was in my 40’s I would have understood my place in the world. I figured I would be part of a close-knit network of friends that I’d known forever. I would have a job I felt secure and confident about. I would be confident in who I was and where I fit into the big picture of the world. I would know where my lane was, and would be appreciated for swimming in it. The thing is…maybe it’s just me (actually, it PROBABLY is just me)… but I haven’t figured it out at all.
I was never one of the cool kids. I wasn’t a nerd, or a jock, or even a social outcast. In school, I was part of the music kids. But mostly, I feel like I was just… there. I had a circle of friends, a larger group of acquaintances, and a boyfriend for a while. My teachers pretty much liked me… I mean, I got good grades, did activities, and showed up where I was supposed to be. But really… other than a few friends I stay in touch with through social media… I don’t even know if people remember my name.
It feels like I’ve never been very good at being friend for some reason. I don’t really know why. I have been on a lifelong search for my own personal Diana Barry. Every time I think I have found her… I end up being wrong. There is always something in the “me-ness” of me that sends them running.
As teacher, I love large and loud, which is both a blessing and a curse. Doing so comes at a great cost… in a lot of ways. I’m not an amazing musician… adequate, at best. (I mean, it took almost TWENTY years before I was even nominated Teacher of the Month. For real!) But, I hope that I am making a long-term positive impact on the student’s hearts. I know I have with some. The students don’t belong to me though… not really.
I have been trying so hard to make a splash as a blogger influencer. Every time I think I am making gains with followers and connections, I realize that frankly, I am not interesting or cool enough for that either. I am an average 43-year old lady, living a pretty ordinary life in the Midwest. What you see is what you get.
Lately, I just feel like I am floating around, not really impacting anything. It’s like I am literally just bouncing around in the atmosphere. I feel like you can see right through me, as if I am made of plexiglass. I’m there… but who cares. My blogger life has stalled. My teacher life has changed so much I don’t recognize it.
What am I missing here? Maybe by the time I’m 50 I will discover the secret.