Fat Fitness

Adventures With A Ginormous Water Bottle

Hydration…. yeah, I know it’s important. Water does a body good, right? I mean, your body is chock full of water! It keeps your joints loose, prevents many ailments, cleanses your body of toxins, and gives your skin a healthy glow. Water makes you feel good, and it tastes pretty good too. Hooray, water!

However, I’m a teacher. From 6:30- 4:00 daily, people need me… like, a lot. I hear my name a thousand times a day. I have to be ON all the time. I can’t just walk out and leave my room alone during a 50 minute class period. I have four minutes between class, during which I am required to prepare for the next class, answer student questions, and monitor the hallway. My lunch is 20 minutes long. My plan period requires breaking everything down, moving to a different building, and setting up again. Somehow I also need to find time to make copies, answer email, and plan for the days ahead. Urination is not really a luxury I have time for during the school day. (And we wonder why teachers feel like poo!)

Recently, I was gifted a daily hydration bottle through an online vendor. I thought, why not try it out? The bottle looked super cute, and was adorably motivational. So, I ordered it and got stoked to be uber healthy. Then, the bottle arrived in the mail…

My nieces happened to be visiting when I unboxed it. Their eyes grew ten sizes as I pulled it out of the box. “Wow, Aunt Jenny! That is a BIG water bottle!” Ummmm, yeah. It is a GIANT, gallon-sized monstrosity. How is it even possible to lug this thing around all day?!

Today I decided to see if the bottle was really useful for a normal work day… or if it would be better suited to storing iced tea in the refrigerator. (Or you know…. margaritas.) So in short, here is one day with a gallon hydration jug in a middle and high school classroom.

6:30 AM: Feeling pretty swoll from carrying a giant gallon of water from my car to my classroom. Definitely gonna build up my biceps while hydrating.

7:30 AM: Let’s do this! Starting an extra half-hour early to crush this.

9:05 AM: Hydration level on target. Heading to the bathroom for trip #1. Made it through two whole class periods before needing to run.

10:15 AM: Bathroom trip #2. This is looking less survivable every moment.

11:30 AM: No time to go right now. Feeling desperate.

11:55 AM: Finally… sweet relief. (Trip #3)

12:20 PM: Well, class starts again in ten minutes. Gotta go again. (And #4)

12:58 PM: You’ve gotta be kidding me! Feeling super uncomfortable with 30 minutes left in class.

1:32 PM: Holy cannoli…. RUNNING to the restroom! (Trip #5) Tactical error. Going during class transition at the middle school is dangerous. It’s like Thunderdome out there!

1:45 PM: Eighth graders are trying to convince me that I am slowly drowning myself and will probably die. “Stop drinking,” they yell! One student tells everyone if I don’t show up tomorrow, they will know how I ended.

2:00 PM: For real?! This cannot actually be healthy. I am in PAIN!

2:30 PM: Literally throw all of my things in to my high school classroom and holler at my voice students… “Be back soon!” Barely made it for trip #6.

5:00 PM: Home for the day at last. Hustle to the bathroom after barely saying hello to my husband. (And…. #7)

6:00 PM: Almost caught up. The toilet and I are now best friends. (#8)

6:20 PM: Here we go again. At least my pee is as clear as the water I have been drinking.

6:32 PM: And the urge arises again. Is this for real or psychosomatic at this point?

6:50 PM: I give up! (#9)

7:00 PM: If this keeps me up all night, I am calling the health police. (You guys are insane!)

7:20 PM: Sigh… #10

7:35 PM: Finally done. Do I still like water?

7:50 PM: Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I’ve ever known. (#11)

8:20 PM: And again (#12)

9:20 PM: One last time… hopefully. Need sleepy.

I really DO love my body and I like making healthy decisions. I want to prove that fat girls can live healthy lives too. I know that “hydration gets easier the more you do it.”

Honestly though, nothing is worth this ridiculousness! 128 ounces in one day is just too much to ask from a teacher. For real! Tomorrow I will go back to my nice, healthy 32-64 ounces like a normal person.

So, thanks for the free pitcher, dear Amazon vendor. Those margs are going to be deliciously cold!

3 thoughts on “Adventures With A Ginormous Water Bottle”

  1. I’m trying alternatives to regular water.. I’ve resorted to Pierre water.. which my wife picks on me calling it “tv static” water. Which, she’s not really wrong lol! But it’s different. But not hydrating.


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