Adventures With A Ginormous Water Bottle

Hydration…. yeah, I know it’s important. Water does a body good, right? I mean, your body is chock full of water! It keeps your joints loose, prevents many ailments, cleanses your body of toxins, and gives your skin a healthy glow. Water makes you feel good, and it tastes pretty good too. Hooray, water!

However, I’m a teacher. From 6:30- 4:00 daily, people need me… like, a lot. I hear my name a thousand times a day. I have to be ON all the time. I can’t just walk out and leave my room alone during a 50 minute class period. I have four minutes between class, during which I am required to prepare for the next class, answer student questions, and monitor the hallway. My lunch is 20 minutes long. My plan period requires breaking everything down, moving to a different building, and setting up again. Somehow I also need to find time to make copies, answer email, and plan for the days ahead. Urination is not really a luxury I have time for during the school day. (And we wonder why teachers feel like poo!)

Recently, I was gifted a daily hydration bottle through an online vendor. I thought, why not try it out? The bottle looked super cute, and was adorably motivational. So, I ordered it and got stoked to be uber healthy. Then, the bottle arrived in the mail…

My nieces happened to be visiting when I unboxed it. Their eyes grew ten sizes as I pulled it out of the box. “Wow, Aunt Jenny! That is a BIG water bottle!” Ummmm, yeah. It is a GIANT, gallon-sized monstrosity. How is it even possible to lug this thing around all day?!

Today I decided to see if the bottle was really useful for a normal work day… or if it would be better suited to storing iced tea in the refrigerator. (Or you know…. margaritas.) So in short, here is one day with a gallon hydration jug in a middle and high school classroom.

6:30 AM: Feeling pretty swoll from carrying a giant gallon of water from my car to my classroom. Definitely gonna build up my biceps while hydrating.

7:30 AM: Let’s do this! Starting an extra half-hour early to crush this.

9:05 AM: Hydration level on target. Heading to the bathroom for trip #1. Made it through two whole class periods before needing to run.

10:15 AM: Bathroom trip #2. This is looking less survivable every moment.

11:30 AM: No time to go right now. Feeling desperate.

11:55 AM: Finally… sweet relief. (Trip #3)

12:20 PM: Well, class starts again in ten minutes. Gotta go again. (And #4)

12:58 PM: You’ve gotta be kidding me! Feeling super uncomfortable with 30 minutes left in class.

1:32 PM: Holy cannoli…. RUNNING to the restroom! (Trip #5) Tactical error. Going during class transition at the middle school is dangerous. It’s like Thunderdome out there!

1:45 PM: Eighth graders are trying to convince me that I am slowly drowning myself and will probably die. “Stop drinking,” they yell! One student tells everyone if I don’t show up tomorrow, they will know how I ended.

2:00 PM: For real?! This cannot actually be healthy. I am in PAIN!

2:30 PM: Literally throw all of my things in to my high school classroom and holler at my voice students… “Be back soon!” Barely made it for trip #6.

5:00 PM: Home for the day at last. Hustle to the bathroom after barely saying hello to my husband. (And…. #7)

6:00 PM: Almost caught up. The toilet and I are now best friends. (#8)

6:20 PM: Here we go again. At least my pee is as clear as the water I have been drinking.

6:32 PM: And the urge arises again. Is this for real or psychosomatic at this point?

6:50 PM: I give up! (#9)

7:00 PM: If this keeps me up all night, I am calling the health police. (You guys are insane!)

7:20 PM: Sigh… #10

7:35 PM: Finally done. Do I still like water?

7:50 PM: Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I’ve ever known. (#11)

8:20 PM: And again (#12)

9:20 PM: One last time… hopefully. Need sleepy.

I really DO love my body and I like making healthy decisions. I want to prove that fat girls can live healthy lives too. I know that “hydration gets easier the more you do it.”

Honestly though, nothing is worth this ridiculousness! 128 ounces in one day is just too much to ask from a teacher. For real! Tomorrow I will go back to my nice, healthy 32-64 ounces like a normal person.

So, thanks for the free pitcher, dear Amazon vendor. Those margs are going to be deliciously cold!